____twoism

Julian Candy wrote:Sadly, there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it at this point.

There is ALWAYS one thing that you have control over, and that's your attitude. I know it sounds lame, but it's the truth. Don't underestimate the power of your own mind.

dono wrote:

Julian Candy wrote:Sadly, there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it at this point.

There is ALWAYS one thing that you have control over, and that's your attitude. I know it sounds lame, but it's the truth. Don't underestimate the power of your own mind.

could not be more correct

you can completely change your mood of the day in about 5 seconds, if you and your mind are up to it

Guido wrote:

I love cute girls like the one at 2:00. If I met a girl like I her I wouldn't care whether she's into BoC or national socialist black metal, I would love her either way.

Yeah, they don't make em like that anymore.

This is quite enlightening.

I suppose I've got a weird perspective on all of this. I got married at 18. When we met I was barely 15. But we were deeply in love ever since, and now married for 8 years, with a 2 year old son. I guess I was lucky, not having to work hard to meet people and learn how to roll with the ups and downs of transient relationships. It sounds frightening, to me. I don't know how you guys deal with it. I know the "high" of each new love can be amazing, but how do you put up with all the rejection? The angst? Where does one store all the baggage? I can't imagine having a prior romantic history with someone other than my wife. I was able to get past all of that frustration and get on with living life in a secure relationship. It still blows my mind that my family tried to stop us from "making a mistake" by getting married so young. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Oddly enough, perhaps even counter-intuitively, our sex life is ama-za-zing... She's become a total freak.

Deutsche Diesel wrote:I don't know how you guys deal with it. I know the "high" of each new love can be amazing, but how do you put up with all the rejection? The angst? Where does one store all the baggage?

short answer:

we don't.

Deutsche Diesel wrote:This is quite enlightening.

I suppose I've got a weird perspective on all of this. I got married at 18. When we met I was barely 15. But we were deeply in love ever since, and now married for 8 years, with a 2 year old son. I guess I was lucky, not having to work hard to meet people and learn how to roll with the ups and downs of transient relationships. It sounds frightening, to me. I don't know how you guys deal with it. I know the "high" of each new love can be amazing, but how do you put up with all the rejection? The angst? Where does one store all the baggage? I can't imagine having a prior romantic history with someone other than my wife. I was able to get past all of that frustration and get on with living life in a secure relationship. It still blows my mind that my family tried to stop us from "making a mistake" by getting married so young. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

You and your wifey seem to have fulfilled the idea of fairy-tale love. I didn't know it was possible, but wow man. I'm happy for you.

In answer to your questions about the rest of us... To me, life is a game. Sometimes you've got to cut your losses, forgive, forget, and move on. After all, we're all marching toward the same graveyard. Why not just enjoy the one you're with, as much as you can? For those of us who've experienced loss, there is no use in melancholia and obsessing over the past. Lovers come and go. If we have to "store" our baggage then we're playing a losing game, because the only path to happiness is by getting rid of our baggage, letting it roll off the shoulders of our past, so we can successfully enjoy the present.

Julian Candy wrote:

Guido wrote:

Julian Candy wrote:I'm misogynistic

yeah, you mention that every third post or so, do something about it then.

I know I've mentioned that before, I was just stating that I may now know where it stemmed from, along with other things. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it at this point.

Also, I've only said that once, although it may have been hinted in other posts.

Although I can empathize, somewhat, that attitude will get you nowhere. Don't underestimate your own abilities...

saturdayindex wrote: You and your wifey seem to have fulfilled the idea of fairy-tale love.

I wish that were the case, but we have our ups and downs, just like everybody. My wife has been unemployed for over 3 years, and I'm definitely under-employed. We live on a shoe-string and all kinds of state aid, zero savings. Our son is autistic, and requires constant care. We've both suffered with bouts of depression, anxiety, and health problems. We lost a house, and even had to declare bankruptcy. We just ride it all together. Even when we get mad at each other, we always end up together again. After 11 years together, I know exactly what will piss her off and exactly how to put out the fire. I know how to make her laugh, and what she needs when she's down. I never know what she's going to say but I can still finish her sentences for her. She's never boring.

I will tell anyone here the one piece of advice I give all my single friends. Find someone who's mentally ALIVE and AWAKE, in the figurative sense. Open minded and caring. I surround myself with that kind of people- and frankly, remove from my life those that aren't. Physical appearance means so little, and is so fleeting.

Deutsche Diesel wrote:

saturdayindex wrote: You and your wifey seem to have fulfilled the idea of fairy-tale love.

I wish that were the case, but we have our ups and downs, just like everybody. My wife has been unemployed for over 3 years, and I'm definitely under-employed. We live on a shoe-string and all kinds of state aid, zero savings. Our son is autistic, and requires constant care. We've both suffered with bouts of depression, anxiety, and health problems. We lost a house, and even had to declare bankruptcy. We just ride it all together. Even when we get mad at each other, we always end up together again. After 11 years together, I know exactly what will piss her off and exactly how to put out the fire. I know how to make her laugh, and what she needs when she's down. I never know what she's going to say but I can still finish her sentences for her. She's never boring.

I will tell anyone here the one piece of advice I give all my single friends. Find someone who's mentally ALIVE and AWAKE, in the figurative sense. Open minded and caring. I surround myself with that kind of people- and frankly, remove from my life those that aren't. Physical appearance means so little, and is so fleeting.

Ah, you've been through a lot I see. I bet going through so much with your wife really brought you too together. I also agree that people should look for someone openminded and caring. Good advice. I'll add another one: positivity and optimism. Those are essential for happiness.

saturdayindex wrote:...positivity and optimism. Those are essential for happiness.

Bingo.

my very important advice:

a healthy relationship is when BOTH PARTNERS seek the other and the other's happiness first. If you're only looking for fulfilling of your needs (being admired, loved, helped, lifted up) and how that particular girl can fit in that, you will 1. destroy her, 2. destroy the relationship.

You really have to ask yourself if you really love that person. A lot of people think they love their partner, but mostly they just love the part of the person that is reflecting themselves. Narcissistic love. They think they are interested in the other, but the parts that are different are not interesting to narcissists, but a nuisance they ignore but actually want to get rid of. They want to change the person into a copy of themselves.
You don't love a person because they serve a goal for you. (they make you feel better about yourself for example). The reason you love a person is ONLY because of the other. Because of who the other is. I think most of you will say: of course, duh, we know that. But believe it or not, there are people that DON'T know this!

Love is never a fairytale. It's process of constant choosing for each other over and over and stay with the other when things get hard and not leave them behind, because they can temporarily not meet your needs, or because you don't 'feel it' all the time. No partner is always happy and beaming with positivity and an American toothpaste smile. Especially when things in life are hard and because of that you let your partner know you won't commit to her anymore it's kind of stupid to expect that of her. =]

Loving someone but refusing to commit is logically contradictive. If you cannot (=won't) commit, you don't love your partner. Period.

So few people know what real love is. Looking back on exes as baggage you better get rid of. In what kind of world do we live... It's sad.

TheSilenceEchoes wrote: ...Looking back on exes as baggage you better get rid of. In what kind of world do we live... It's sad.

I just want to point out my use of the term "baggage" was not referring to persons, but rather bottled up emotions, self loathing and a learned fear of commitment or rejection. The kind of thing that you "carry with you" for the rest of your life and that may hamper your ability to have another healthy relationship in the future...

I agree with everything else you said. Spot on.

Deutsche Diesel wrote:I just want to point out my use of the term "baggage" was not referring to persons, but rather bottled up emotions, self loathing and a learned fear of commitment or rejection. The kind of thing that you "carry with you" for the rest of your life and that may hamper your ability to have another healthy relationship in the future...

Ah, i get it now. I guess that's good advice for me too then! That's why i focus so much on my emotional healing right now. Though i don't think i will see myself in a relationship ever again. It's not worth the risk i think and i am a loner anyway, so i don't really mind. There are so many other important things one can focus on, like creating music, travelling, hug broken hearted children. I'm learning to see that loneliness is just something that belongs with me, and that it's an illusion to think that a relationship will take that away.

Mexicola wrote:Boobies.
Talk too much.
Unnecessary use of scatter cushions.
Can't reverse park.
Married to one.

Yes, yes, I'm vaguely aware of them. Odd little things, but amusing enough.

You won the trophy! You are the winner of being the most generic male in this thread. Congrats!
Good luck perceiving stereotypes as true and having no original thought. Also, good luck finding anyone half decent to accompany you on your chauvinistic voyage through life!

People are all generally a waste of time. It's very rare to find someone with anything that I like inside of their soul. The possibilities should be endless, but unfortunately I feel as though the possibilities never began. Maybe I have faulty neural connectivity, and am bad at meeting people. Honestly, it's extremely hard because no one ever says anything worthwhile or interesting. I would rather talk absolutely gibberish and nonsense. I don't like to be able to guess what people are going to say next, or to be able to tell what they're thinking. There is no mystery to anything anymore, and if there ever is; it is an unnatural and forced quality. Any thoughts?

im not gonna see my lady for 4 months noooo damn you seasons!

anyway: wider thoughts. the longer you are out of a relationship, the longer you wonder why you are not in one, the more you are able to doubt you are capable of being in a relationship. you develop your own weird little tendencies. stop doubting.

Music is Math wrote:... Maybe I have faulty neural connectivity, and am bad at meeting people. Honestly, it's extremely hard because no one ever says anything worthwhile or interesting.

concerning what you just said to mexicola (unless i read that wrong), maybe you just have a poor attitude :\

ninetyoneplus wrote:im not gonna see my lady for 4 months noooo damn you seasons!

anyway: wider thoughts. the longer you are out of a relationship, the longer you wonder why you are not in one, the more you are able to doubt you are capable of being in a relationship. you develop your own weird little tendencies. stop doubting.

Hmm, I'm in a relationship. I guess I'm just doubtful of people as a whole. But, I see your point. Why should I be doubtful, when things have been running smoothly up to this point? I need to have these 'weird little tendencies' under control. I guess that's what you meant right?

turquoise70 wrote:

Deutsche Diesel wrote:I don't know how you guys deal with it. I know the "high" of each new love can be amazing, but how do you put up with all the rejection? The angst? Where does one store all the baggage?

short answer:

we don't.

You just move on. If there was anything you know you did wrong then it's best to learn from the mistake and try your best to avoid it in the future. Rejection is good anyways. Be it straight up nipped at the bud rejection or dumped after a few weeks/months. You learn to know what types you should go for and what red flags to run away from asap. End up wasting less time with somebody who seems ok at first but turns into a different person once they've "got" you.

You deal with it the best you can, and sometimes it's not the best you can deal with it. But you almost always learn something new.

I've literally destroyed myself over the whole concept of "relationships" on a few separate occasions. At one point I had myself convinced that I was continuously living a repeating loop of failure in this department, and of course that was nothing but a self fulfilling prophecy. Ah, the mind...

When I come around, I once again find myself beginning another relationship with a girl, which is right where I'm at now, only this time I don't want social status, others opinions, my own personal rules and regulations, and the possibility of sex to interfere with developing a friendship first. I've seen all of the perils of letting these things get in the way.

Oddly enough, right before I met this girl I decided for the first time that it might be best to get an unbiased opinion and see if maybe there was something I've been doing to prevent a relationship from starting in my past, so I decided to see a therapist and my first appointment is Thursday.

I want to do things differently this time and try as I might, I will.