____twoism

polar sky wrote: Anyone else on Prozac?

Yo. It makes me drowsy too, but I feel a lot better on it than off it.

Waterbagel wrote:

Julian Candy wrote:I'm not even kidding when I say that this was my exact reaction when I found out the girl I had liked for about 7 or 8 months couldn't have cared less about me:


Oh, I made myself sad now.

hey, it's all good, we probably all know the feeling

feels like so much time wasted on one girl you never even got to have. it really probably is that way, wasted time, that is. but it's okay. you learned from it, no?

Well you can see that I have a sense of humor about it already but it still hurts. It wasn't so much the rejection itself, as much as it was how she said it. My friend asked for me and sent me the gmail conversation as proof.

Him: why are you avoiding the question? do you like (Julian Candy) or not? i have his number and email. im pretty sure he has your number on his phone
Her: i'm not avoiding the question.i know you are lying and no i don't like him
Him: im not lying but should i tell him you said no? (Julian Candy) is going to be very sad
Her: yeah tell him i said no

It's her loss really, if she wants to waste her life looking for some John Cho, who am I to stop her.

jakestott wrote:

BrandNewRetro wrote:

jakestott wrote: Shit, i'm sorry to hear that man. Be strong for your friend.

Cheers matey! I'll know more on the situation tomorrow...got everything crossed.

Hows your friend doing now, he gonna be alright?

He had his operation today, 8 hours it took! He's had all the best surgeons etc. operate so I'm just waiting and praying now that everything is going to be ok, it's sounding promising, he is literally the bravest person I've ever known! We complain about our healthcare here in the UK but this is really highlighting that we really do have it good.

Lightening the mood in here a bit.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2 ... ssion.html

Julian Candy wrote:

Waterbagel wrote:

Julian Candy wrote:I'm not even kidding when I say that this was my exact reaction when I found out the girl I had liked for about 7 or 8 months couldn't have cared less about me:


Oh, I made myself sad now.

hey, it's all good, we probably all know the feeling

feels like so much time wasted on one girl you never even got to have. it really probably is that way, wasted time, that is. but it's okay. you learned from it, no?

Well you can see that I have a sense of humor about it already but it still hurts. It wasn't so much the rejection itself, as much as it was how she said it. My friend asked for me and sent me the gmail conversation as proof.

Him: why are you avoiding the question? do you like (Julian Candy) or not? i have his number and email. im pretty sure he has your number on his phone
Her: i'm not avoiding the question.i know you are lying and no i don't like him
Him: im not lying but should i tell him you said no? (Julian Candy) is going to be very sad
Her: yeah tell him i said no

It's her loss really, if she wants to waste her life looking for some John Cho, who am I to stop her.

eh, typical failed attempt
always more girls
always more potential for attempts.

Eh, there's about a 20-30 percent chance I may cash out sometime within the next year if I don't feel satisfied with any of my goals, my cousin goes to prison and still am unhappy with my appearance.


Thought about it every day of the week today, but with these sort of things, you really just need to wait it out and see where life takes you before deciding to take it.

turquoise70 wrote:

polar sky wrote: Anyone else on Prozac?

Yo. It makes me drowsy too, but I feel a lot better on it than off it.

I am.

It feels like a placebo to me.

i've made progress in my life this past year. i should feel successful and positive and yet, i still feel lost and uncertain.

Twoism-ist wrote:i've made progress in my life this past year. i should feel successful and positive and yet, i still feel lost and uncertain.

word

I've come a long way in treating my depression.

I'm on antidepressants. I'm seeing a therapist - two, actually, til I find which one matches me best.

I'm addressing my sexual and gender issues, and cutting back on binge drinking.

Today sucks

turquoise70 wrote:I've come a long way in treating my depression.

I'm on antidepressants. I'm seeing a therapist - two, actually, til I find which one matches me best.

I'm addressing my sexual and gender issues, and cutting back on binge drinking.

those are some good steps to take. I'm happy your coping, relatively speaking.

I've also come a long way in treating my depression. I'm on about 7 different medications right now, and they seem to be doing their job, although I've gained about 50 pounds (I'm 190 now, I have a bit of a beer belly now lol). I'm not nearly as depressed as I was a few years back. I'm no longer suicidal. And I think I've come to accept that being in constant pain physically isn't the end of the world. I have painkillers to treat myself to if the pain gets to be too much. I'm not getting addicted to my pain meds, cuz they are heavy narcotics. So bonus there. My mental anguish has gone significantly down. I still get depressed here and there, but nothing too bad. I guess I could currently classify myself as happy, again relatively speaking.

I hope my situation can encourage others, cuz I'm proof that things can get better eventually. And I sincerely hope things get better for all of you guys too.

Aww c'mon JC, that's not the way to go forward, it's like unplugging your computer, it just goes blink and... and pretty much nothing, no reset , no restart, no other chance, no afterlife, no reincarnation nothing.

By carrying on, you have all the chances of making out of the pit, by NOT carrying on, you are absolutely guaranteed to fail, and I am sure you wouldn't want to take the road that leads to failure.

I know it's hard, even at 42 I am fighting that fucking depression but it was worth every minute of it, most of My 30s have been rough but they also had moments of amazement beyond My wildest dreams.

Have you tried new crafts? New sports, things different? Photography really helped me to put a focus on something where I could actually get results and have positive feedback from peeps.

Sorry for this long post, any thoughts much appreciated
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This past Saturday my flatmate and I took MDMA and drank and had what was quite possibly the best night ever : It ended with my flatmate getting screamed at in his bedroom by some European neighbour of ours (the guy was in his pyjamas saying he'd "throw him out the fucking window"), 2 girls were naked in the background and I said "I think it's a good idea if I move out". It probably was, as I'd trashed the house in a rage I can hardly remember and screamed at everyone to get out while writing that I would be going to China on our living room wall in permanent marker.

But never mind that! I'd never done MDMA before, and was still suitably mashed the next day. It was awesome, I danced to music and walked around Edinburgh looking at lights and talking to a girl I know and hugging her. MDMA is quite possibly the greatest thing in the world.

But all it really does is cause you to have a crapload of serotonin in your nerve system (from what I understand, and I'm definitely not up on brains). I was so happy the day afterwards, that it made me realise I haven't been genuinely happy in a very long time; maybe years. I would say that I have actually been battling emptiness, looking for happiness in external things; people, places, jobs, things and really just not living my life.

I think this whole experience made me realise that I used to be a really loving, positive person and somewhere along the line I gradually and eventually became cynical, egotistical and sociopathic and didn't really know it. Now I've read The Power of Now and feel that seperating myself from my ego is key in becoming happy. I also feel that continuing daily exercise and meditation will be really good for my mental wellbeing but I still feel that I could be happier.

Don't get me wrong - I don't want to be mezmerised by the screensaver on my phone or standing on my washing machine dancing to trance music again, I just want to wake up and be like 'Man this fucking rocks, I love life' MOST of the time at least. The thing is, the temptation to do MDMA again is huge but I don't want to do it "one more time". Maybe I'll do it a couple times a year but I want to love life because I'm happy.

Bearing in mind that this is a message board for music enthusiasts and not psychologists, instead of asking "do you think I am depressed?" i'd rather ask "do you know how I feel? Is this normal? Do I have some kind of chemical deficiency which makes me feel empty?" I know things like exercise and meditation help huge amounts, and I would continue to do them but I have to say I'm really quite keen to try antidepressants. In fact, the thought of them is making me happy because I would like to think there is an answer and that is that my baseline happiness has been below zero for way too long.

Last but not least I've been to my GP a couple of times about this but he always shrugs me off. Bearing in mind that it is not unusual for me to be scared of the fact that I feel like there is no reason for me to live, to be generally unmotivated and uninterested in doing anything, I want to feel like I did when I looked at the multicoloured bongs and stood in the middle of a bookstore. Namely : This is SO awesome, I love this. It's usually normal for me to take out my unhappiness on others in my personal and professional life (which happens too much) but right now I'm trying to focus on the fact that I finally understand: Happiness comes from within.

SWIM is currently exploring using ayahuasca to treat depression.

SWIM will let you know what he finds, though SWIM has made great strides in the past using such medicines to work with depression and suicidal tendencies.

Hope that there's some light out there is always a good thing, especially in the deepest darkest night of the soul.

hexagonLife wrote:Sorry for this long post, any thoughts much appreciated
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This past Saturday my flatmate and I took MDMA and drank and had what was quite possibly the best night ever : It ended with my flatmate getting screamed at in his bedroom by some European neighbour of ours (the guy was in his pyjamas saying he'd "throw him out the fucking window"), 2 girls were naked in the background and I said "I think it's a good idea if I move out". It probably was, as I'd trashed the house in a rage I can hardly remember and screamed at everyone to get out while writing that I would be going to China on our living room wall in permanent marker.

But never mind that! I'd never done MDMA before, and was still suitably mashed the next day. It was awesome, I danced to music and walked around Edinburgh looking at lights and talking to a girl I know and hugging her. MDMA is quite possibly the greatest thing in the world.

But all it really does is cause you to have a crapload of serotonin in your nerve system (from what I understand, and I'm definitely not up on brains). I was so happy the day afterwards, that it made me realise I haven't been genuinely happy in a very long time; maybe years. I would say that I have actually been battling emptiness, looking for happiness in external things; people, places, jobs, things and really just not living my life.

I think this whole experience made me realise that I used to be a really loving, positive person and somewhere along the line I gradually and eventually became cynical, egotistical and sociopathic and didn't really know it. Now I've read The Power of Now and feel that seperating myself from my ego is key in becoming happy. I also feel that continuing daily exercise and meditation will be really good for my mental wellbeing but I still feel that I could be happier.

Don't get me wrong - I don't want to be mezmerised by the screensaver on my phone or standing on my washing machine dancing to trance music again, I just want to wake up and be like 'Man this fucking rocks, I love life' MOST of the time at least. The thing is, the temptation to do MDMA again is huge but I don't want to do it "one more time". Maybe I'll do it a couple times a year but I want to love life because I'm happy.

Bearing in mind that this is a message board for music enthusiasts and not psychologists, instead of asking "do you think I am depressed?" i'd rather ask "do you know how I feel? Is this normal? Do I have some kind of chemical deficiency which makes me feel empty?" I know things like exercise and meditation help huge amounts, and I would continue to do them but I have to say I'm really quite keen to try antidepressants. In fact, the thought of them is making me happy because I would like to think there is an answer and that is that my baseline happiness has been below zero for way too long.

Last but not least I've been to my GP a couple of times about this but he always shrugs me off. Bearing in mind that it is not unusual for me to be scared of the fact that I feel like there is no reason for me to live, to be generally unmotivated and uninterested in doing anything, I want to feel like I did when I looked at the multicoloured bongs and stood in the middle of a bookstore. Namely : This is SO awesome, I love this. It's usually normal for me to take out my unhappiness on others in my personal and professional life (which happens too much) but right now I'm trying to focus on the fact that I finally understand: Happiness comes from within.

Thr first job of any GP in the UK is to get you out of the room as quickly as possible. In Japan, it's to feed you as many drugs as possible without addressing the core issues. The reason so many of us here are depressed is because we not "from the mainstream". We do not watch pop idol, we don't read tabloids etc.

We are radicals of society, in a way outcasts for being different, not conforming.

I also think the music a lot of us listen to is quite emotional tonally (if that is a word) in a negative sense. Ambient and drone can be very depressing. It's mostly what I listen to, I drink every day, and am on meds up the ying-yang. I sometimes really don't understand why I am even still alive.

But I think if you gave me a little dab of that old MDMA, it could be a good reset button for me!

I think hexagon son nailed a large chunk of the problem. There are a lot of people out there who blindly go along with the mainstream, or, the main stream of information. This is not to say they don't ever have problems and that life will never be hard for them and that they won't get depressed, but they usually don't ask the deeper questions about life, politics, religion, arts, etc. People who flow against the current are usually more susceptible to questioning the bat shit crazy world around us and thus depression. Often, they find they don't get answers from the people wading in the mainstream. The mindset inside the mainstream itself doesn't understand the mindset on the fringe of it, so they just throw pills at you like they are life preservers.

2020k wrote:Lightening the mood in here a bit.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2 ... ssion.html

Great article, I think it represents very well the subtle moment of peace after a big depression. Like being born again.

Thanks for the responses Hexagon Son and mechanismj, that definitely makes a lot of sense that we should be depressed with our inclination to look at life a bit deeper.

Well, I went to the doc and they've got me on 20mg of Prozac - a day at my request to trial an ssri - feel much better already and it's only been 5 days, right now I'm glad I persisted like I did and would advise anyone who has a GP who doesn't listen to do the same (not to undermine their qualifications or anything, but I knew what I was going through wasn't normal. It's still hard to explain everything that's going on in such a short period of time).