____twoism

I'm not sure if this kind of thread has been made, nothing came up when I searched "relationships".

I think I've hit a point where I just can't see myself ending up in a relationship solely because of my philosophy on the subject. I feel that the whole love thing that we claim to feel for others is just a temporary thing and that no one really loves anybody but themselves. Whenever I think of myself in a relationship, I just think that I'm only in it to please myself and have no real desires for pleasing the other partner. When I think of old couples, I think that they really only stay with each other because they know that at their age no one else would want them or they have kids to look after.

I'm only almost 18 and have never been in a relationship but please don't subtract anything from my opinions just because of that. Whenever I've talked about this with my sister, she claims that I'm too young to understand anything about love, but it all just seems like a sham to me.

I think you may be projecting a bit. Certainly some people are exactly have you have described, but I've known enough couples to be convinced that people get together for a menagerie of different reasons, most of them totally legitimate.

Your sister's both wrong a little and right a little, I think. Nobody is too young to understand anything about love. But possibly your own secondary experiences with relationships, seeing them from the outside, it's easy to see them all as either a disaster or a sham.

Some of them ARE a sham. But then I look at my sister and her husband, and at their relationship, and I see two people who depend on something that they only really get from each other and no one else in the world. They're like symbiotes. And I think about a guy like Mexicola - I know -nothing- about his wife other than he married her, and given the impression I have of his character I think he's genuinely in that relationship because he wants to be, because it grows him. And I would also be willing to bet either of the aforementioned couples would also tell you it's a ton of work that's ultimately worth it.

Having said all that, I'm not currently in a relationship but I've been having strange, slightly hard-to-define, close, romantic, sensuous relationships with other people since I was in first grade. I started early, as some girls do. I kissed my first boy when I was 6. He was in my kindergarten class and I totally dive-bombed him with a kiss from around the cubby shelves. But I'm getting off topic.

I don't think you should give up on finding someone, Julian, but relationships may honestly just not be a priority for you at this point in your life, and that's totally okay too.

Oh, and anyone who'd talk down their snoot at you because you're 18 or because you haven't been in a relationship yet is a dick, period.

I dunno man I kinda felt like you for a long time, but this year I met a girl and we connected like instantly.
I've never felt the way I do about this girl ever before, like I feel I could legitimately die for her, and I usually am pretty selfish and I know I'm selfish but there's just a thing with this one, she brings out the best in me.

And I haven't even asked her out yet, a bit of a cowardly move I guess but time will tell.

But what I'm saying is it takes time man, it'll come.

I don't know if I'm qualified to dispense relationship advice, and I won't pretend to know everything, but I think it's human nature to gravitate towards like minded souls and form lasting relationships.

It might not happen tomorrow, or for a few years, but it most likely will at some point. I don't think it's an age thing as such - just experience. Please don't think I'm being condescending - I'm just looking at things from the perspective of someone who's been around the block a few times. But even then I've found myself asking for advice & opinions recently!

Don't worry about it or over-analyse - you're 18, I'd just concentrating on enjoying yourself and what comes along....

A_Northern_Soul wrote:
Don't worry about it or over-analyse - you're 18, I'd just concentrating on enjoying yourself and what comes along....

this. seriously i settled down with someone when i was your age. wish id had someone to slap some sense into me.

yeah, relationships can be awesome. but breaking up is the worst feeling ever. nothing will screw you up more, imo.

probably part of the reason I'm so ... I guess scared of asking out this gal.
especially after watching a film like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

its like, every relationship dies, either with actual death, or with a breakup, nothing is forever.
And that makes me scared and sad, for myself, for everyone, and for her.

The Telepathic Kid wrote:probably part of the reason I'm so ... I guess scared of asking out this gal.
especially after watching a film like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

its like, every relationship dies, either with actual death, or with a breakup, nothing is forever.
And that makes me scared and sad, for myself, for everyone, and for her.

you can apply that logic to anything though.

If it's like anything I went through (and if it's any consolation), this is just another sort of phase in your life. Allow yourself to change (your mind), and you will. Disallow yourself to change, and..
well..

I think you see where I'm going with this.

I'll be 19 in a little over a week, and I've still yet to find myself in any sort of relationship. I think it's more of an anxiety thing for me, though. I suffer really bad agoraphobia, so having a girlfriend is only going to be another struggle for me, that in the end, I think will just disappoint me simply because I disappointed them. I don't want to live with my parents until I'm like 20+ but I also don't want to have a girlfriend, disappoint her when anxiety decides it doesn't want me to leave the house, and she thinks I'm too much for her.

I don't want to put that burden on anyone.

Again - and I don't want to seem condescending to anyone because of their age - don't worry about not being in a relationship. Get out there, enjoy yourself, make mistakes, fall in love too easily, have a messy break-up, do it again, do something stupid, fall for the wrong person, fall for the right person at the wrong time, make a tit of yourself...

By the time you get to 33 (purely for example ) you'll have some good stories...

The problem is, every thing is easier with 20:20 hindsight.

I'm 38, but I recall being 17 like it was yesterday and things seemed so much more, I don't know, important? Significant maybe? I did waaaay more soul searching back then and I worried about what other people thought all the time. Things played on my mind 24/7 and ate away at me from the inside. It was crap frankly.

Having loved, lost, loved again, lost again, loved so much that when I lost a third time it nearly killed me (literally), having then given up on love and settled into 'happy' singledom (by which I mean, I flipped between blissfully happy and downright miserable), then got my wild single side out my system (fun!), before being caught off guard and jedi-mind-tricked into a relationship that I initially didn't want and never thought was going to work (guess what? 7 years later, happier than ever, still together, true soul-mates, kids, the whole nine yards - the real deal) - I like to kid myself that I've seen this from most angles now. A_Northern_Soul is right.

There is nothing to be afraid of. At least, nothing that's scarier than looking back one day (sooner than you think) and regretting missing out.

Life sucks hugely. But life is also wonderful. Deal with the shite, remember the amazing. You don't get a second chance. Sounds trite doesn't it? Cliched, but true I'm afraid.

^^

Cheers fella.

It's absolutely true - when you're younger everything to do with your relationships (or lack thereof) seems much more important. As you get older (again - please don't take this the wrong way) you tend to become a bit more confident and sure of yourself (to varying degrees) and what others think matters less. I still remember being around 17 and what X did or didn't think of me was the end of the world because X knocks you off your feet (this never leaves you completely - but that's another story ). Allow yourself to make a few mistakes and take things as they come. Things always work out in the end. Again, seems trite, but it's true.

I realise my last post read a bit like that Baz Luhrman (sp?) single from a few years back, but Baz never used the phrase "make a tit of yourself"...

In addition to what everyone else has said about the age thing - shit I remember being in a relationship at 17 and the fire that burnt with - I want to say something else your first post made me think of. Never ever live your relationships, even these ones, by comparing them to some outside example. The things you should do, the things you shouldn't in a situation, whether something is serious or not compared to how serious other things say they are or seem from the outside to be.

I mean, take advice, yes, but it's got to come from your heart or its really easy to make moves where you overanalyse and get yourself into a mental trap where you think "this is what I have to do now because of X", and years later you realise X was wrong, or didn't matter, or something like that. If you did what you thought was right and pursued what you thought you wanted you'll never look back and regret anything you did. Just my 2c.

I appreciate what you guys have added but I still stand by what I said.

No relationships so far. It's annoying at the age of 21.

My advice to you on the matter of loving others as a temporary thing would be not to enter into a real relationship with anyone who isn't already your best friend whom you know almost everything about, think like and love outside of an intimate relationship. It takes this sort of thing for a married couple to be happy together and would probably bypass all the dating game bullshit that is contrived by one or both parties in a typical relationship, which is generally (on the MALE end) rushed out of sexual desires and a foolish, almost childlike love over this person that is mysterious to you and yet somehow close to you, which I guess is fun to some people. This type of relationship very much so seems comparable to usage of certain drugs to me, in that it's fun and exciting while it lasts; you know that at the end of the road it's going to be nothing but pain.


As for the "not really feeling for the other person" thing, I have no idea what that's like. I generally tend to act selflessly to people I'm close to for their sake, not mine.

I like girls. A lot.

I tend to become hopelessly obsessed with any nice/attractive/cool girl I talk to.. it's bad.

I'm going to go ahead and say that love chemically exists... so yeah. Some people think that threatens their definition of love because it quantifies it but I think it's good that it's just chemical. I also think we're biologically wired to have empathy and feelings of love and its there in our DNA so I think at least that part definitely does exist. I think that love can be just an idea but that's a result of a very true ritual/impulse of our existence as living things that want to perpetuate their existence.

But you should look at 'love' however you please.

Julian Candy wrote:I think I've hit a point where I just can't see myself ending up in a relationship solely because of my philosophy on the subject. I feel that the whole love thing that we claim to feel for others is just a temporary thing and that no one really loves anybody but themselves. Whenever I think of myself in a relationship, I just think that I'm only in it to please myself and have no real desires for pleasing the other partner. When I think of old couples, I think that they really only stay with each other because they know that at their age no one else would want them or they have kids to look after.

I think, for the most part, what you're talking about is sex not love. Love certainly exists in both platonic and romantic forms; the term "partner" is used for a reason. Also, some people just aren't wired right for that type of game, so don't treat it like one you're obligated to play. It's not gonna do you any favors, trust me. Just make sense of how others make you feel and don't seek it out. If you keep blindly digging for buried treasure, you're most likely just gonna end up with an ugly lookin' yard.

rodox_head wrote:

Julian Candy wrote:I think I've hit a point where I just can't see myself ending up in a relationship solely because of my philosophy on the subject. I feel that the whole love thing that we claim to feel for others is just a temporary thing and that no one really loves anybody but themselves. Whenever I think of myself in a relationship, I just think that I'm only in it to please myself and have no real desires for pleasing the other partner. When I think of old couples, I think that they really only stay with each other because they know that at their age no one else would want them or they have kids to look after.

I think, for the most part, what you're talking about is sex not love. Love certainly exists in both platonic and romantic forms; the term "partner" is used for a reason. Also, some people just aren't wired right for that type of game, so don't treat it like one you're obligated to play. It's not gonna do you any favors, trust me. Just make sense of how others make you feel and don't seek it out. If you keep blindly digging for buried treasure, you're most likely just gonna end up with an ugly lookin' yard.

The thing is with these dusty decades old threads rodox, is you're just going to end up talking to yourself...

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