____twoism

How do you deal with negative people?

Personally, I can be up or down depending on the day, but I always try to be positive even though it's tough sometimes. I like to be a nice guy and smile around people, in a non-creepy sorta way..but maybe it's a lil creepy. Anyway, my brother is 6 years senior (29) and recently moved back home from Asia. I notice that he always focuses on what's not going right, or what's fucked, and what he can't do. Like "oh, I've not got a job, I can't do shit". Seriously? Isn't when you haven't got a job the time to do loads of stuff? It's pretty much what I'm doing. Trying to keep myself occupied and enjoying the day.

Now I'm no perfect swan (I dunno why I said 'perfect swan', it just sprung into my head), but I feel like whenever I talk to him about certain things - how to be happy in life, achieving goals, etc. - he is quite dismissive and is like "we can get jobs then we won't think so much" or "this is life, achieve goals but accept that this is pretty much it"..I did say to him that I agree in thinking that there is no perfect, fulfilling wonder out there that you'll find and everything will be perfect - I think life is pretty good right now, and am happy to accept the realistic part of it. But he just sits in his room and plays videogames, and then complains about getting depressed. What's the big fucking idea?

Maybe this is petty, maybe none of you give a fuck..but I used to worry about him, and now I wish he'd just move to London soon like he's been talking about. He was out for hours today and he knew we were worried about him, and he fuckin loves attention (in my opinion)..like yesterday, he was talking all excited about working in Iraq and asking me how I felt about it, and I was like "well, it could be worse, you could be Christian and you'd be a target" and his response was "i think they just care that you're a foreigner" which I think means that he just wants attention and wants us to worry about him. Then he'll probably go in another fucking bad mood for 4 days and talk to us like we're fucking monkeys...what a cunt.

Sorry this spilled onto twoism but..fuck man, I had to say it somewhere.

man that is hard and frustrating, i totally understand. Especially because whatever you say, you don't seem to get through to him, he keeps focussing on the negative things, no matter how often you probably show him the positive things that he seems to be forgetting. Or show him the error in his thinking. I know how frustrating that can be.

I wonder why he focusses on the negative things so much. I don't believe that some people are just born more negative and that's it. It could be his way of getting attention, perhaps just because he has never learnt another way, and thus unconsciously thinks it's the only way. Or a constant need to hear someone else contradict it, because he has never learnt how to fight negativity himself. Or the negativity is a safe little world he has created around him, to protect him against expecting things or taking risks and maybe get disappointed.
No matter what one's reason is, everybody can change a negative attitude or life view into a positive one. Your brother can too. It all comes down to the fact that it's nothing but an effing choice you make.

happiness is an attitude, not a situation.

For a while, i had the tendency to focus on negative things too (i kept those thoughts in most of the time though), mostly negative things about myself. Now i've learnt that that's absolutely not helping me growing, maturing, achieving my goals. On the contrary. It came to the point that i really felt stuck in its grip. It's comparable to how an addiction works, really. I'm giving this example to show how much power words can have. Especially after being expressed out loud, they seem to not disappear into the air and forgotten, but stay somewhere. They make a nest into your thoughts, feelings, until they start to control them, and thus your actions.
Now i finally realize that, i have changed my thoughts about myself, and to be honest, it was pretty easy and the effects were almost immediately noticable. Before, people would sometimes suggest that, but i never listened. It all comes down to a choice that your brother has to make and no one can make it for him. But if he goes on this way, just comfortably hiding himself within his negativity, he will get more and more stuck in life. It's the simple principle of self fulfilling prophecy, where his negativity will attract negative people, events, thoughts etc.

Okay, i think i've made my point. =] It's just something i wish more people realized. The power of words. Also the words you speak to others, like people that have been bullied as a kid but are still hurt by some names they were called. Even though it was years and years ago.
I'm starting to believe that this very thing, the focussing on and expressing of negativity, has destroyed a very beautiful relationship i had. =/

Oh, and if he gets too much influence on you, i would try to avoid him a little bit. Because he can pull you along in his negativity. Make sure that that doesn't happen. And if you notice it is happening, try to explain him in all honesty, why you can't be around him (or his negativity) too much. Perhaps that will make him realize things have to change?

just to make sure, i am talking about negativity here, not depression.
Depression is a different story. Because it is way more complex, it is not simply overcome by the changing of thoughts. Of course, changing your thoughts can be a huge help with fighting depression, but there are more factors to that, sometimes physical, sometimes a situation you're in that you simply cannot change in a day, sometimes a mourning process you're going through, in which a (temporary) depression can even be helpful.

Get him laid.

I'm a cynical person as well, it spills over into my forum posts too much (not so much lately). If you're going to try and encourage him don't talk down to him. It gives him an easy excuse to be defensive and evasive. He won't want to interact with you because he's in that defensive mode. Gotta be like "hey man, any luck with your plans for moving to london?" Or if you see him playing games to pass the time invite him to go and hang out with you somewhere. He may be apprehensive but getting him off his ass will be a baby step towards improving that attitude.

No real advice, since this guy basically sounds like me (just replace "video games" with "web browsing" for my case).

GrangalanJr wrote:No real advice, since this guy basically sounds like me (just replace "video games" with "web browsing" for my case).

Me too, I've been known to respond to people saying things like "Good job on your A" with things like "Well that class is pretty easy to pass"

I don't get why it's hard to cope with them? Maybe I'm saying stupid things, but if people are negative, and you are disliking the way they behave, you are disliking you're own behaviour you see in them. People can be negative ofcourse, but it's your choice what to do with it. I don't mind people who are negative, because I'm usually in a way other state of mind than they are. They just don't know any better, they choose the negative behaviour they are showing the world, they still need to find the key to what makes them negative, and choose to act the other way around.

Ofcourse I'm negative sometimes, but it's usually pretty easy to turn that around for me.
If you are having a hard time with coping with negative people, there is also some negative in you.


Sorry, I am probably not making any sense, but that's how I feel about it.

I feel like I'm wearing one shoe of yours and one shoe of your brothers. I go absolutely mental if I have a day off work and am not preoccupied with something, but I never force my negativity onto other people and always try to present a smile and positive outlook when interacting with others. Maybe try taking him out to a film, show, or something to keep his mind occupied? Ask to play a video game with him? Interaction is always key with me.