Racist friends

[hexagonLife]

Let me start this post by saying that my grandad was black and my brother and dad are more mixed white/black than anything else. We never really know what 'ethnicity' they identify as due to our families strange cultural heritage (scottish/belizean).

Anyway, I started hanging out with this guy again recently who I hadn't seen since last year. I have had a bit of a colourful history with said guy, but overall I really like him - he's a genuinely nice guy, has never judged me for my homosexual experiences (probably because he's had some too, lol, he spooned me this morning but that's neither here nor there). Anyway, he's a pretty good guy, and although I think he's a bit of a freeloader and he definitely drinks too much and acts like an asshole, what pisses me off most is his racism.

Now I'm all for treating people equally and I think he is just as entitled to anyone as free speech. He is actually one of the more open-minded and accepting people I know, which is why it's so frustrating when he gets drunk and starts saying "nigger this" "black people that" and talking about muslims and shit, just completely pointless hate speech. I can actually feel anger rising in me when he goes on like this, when he knows I don't like it anyway; but, I don't think he knows just how much I hate it.

I am going to have a talk with him tonight, and let him know that I can't be his friend anymore if he doesn't stop this kind of behaviour, which sucks because he's one of, if not the only, real friend I have But fuck it, priorities are priorities and I would hate to think I'd ever be seen as tolerating that shit, which of course I have been up until now.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent and get this out, but is anyone else in this position, or have you been there when people are just behaving like malicious cunts?

ps. I actually got my friend's name tattooed on my abdomen last week. In fact, we did it in his bedroom with his cheap shit chinese-ebay tattoo guns that cost very little, and we did it in completely unhygienic conditions...just so you know, if there's another twoism meetup remember not to share a glass with me or anything!

Been ages since I posted here, hope everyone is well xx

[Mexicola]

Good on you for having the guts to stand up for your principles. That can be tough, but - at the risk of sounding like a cliche and/or stating the obvious - you've got to follow your own gut instincts I feel?

I have a few friends and family who've made the odd racist remark in the past and it always comes as a shock. It's all the more disturbing when you know that the rest of their personality seems fine. I've tried different approaches. I've distanced myself from some, talked openly with others, ridiculed a few and downright bollocked a few others. Can't say I've worked out which worked best though??

In the end, ignorance - be it racism, homophobia, xenophobia, whatever - can only be changed through dialogue and experiences.

Good luck.

[dp]

A little bit more information than i needed that post. Wow.

But... To your point: I think racism is a sign of stupidity, ignorance, and fear. It's dumb. I come from a small southern town in Kentucky where racism is quite prevalent. I am white myself, so I've never been the victim of it, but I've seen it first-hand on many occasions. I just simply will not be friends with someone who is a racist. My wife is Japanese and I would definitely be cross if someone called her by a racial slur.

Good luck with your situation man.

[pointlessdude]

It's just lines, thin or thick, wide or narrow, complex structures that are claimed to catalogue us into different sections. Racism is only one of the most superficial ones. It's all natural, one has to learn to deal with it until society takes another course. You know, principles are fine, but also kind of tricky and can never be superimposed to human emotions like friendship or love or whatever you call it.

Given the situation I would rather tell him (without forcing) or continue behaving as usual, I mean, I don't know what kind of person is your friend. It's up to you, study him and guess what his reactions could be. I suppose it won't be so difficult for you.

[Möbius]

I live in southern California and racism runs rampant from all cultural/ethnic/racial corners. I've always found that the most offensive racist remarks are the ones that are nuanced and unintentional. I can deal with outright, blatant remarks, but when someone makes a racist statement because they sincerely believe it to be true, that gets my goat.

Generally, I rebuttal their statement with a joke. I noticed that it illuminates how ludicrous and insensitive their statement was without putting them in the hot seat. Attacking them forthright puts them in to auto-defense, which usually ends up in some unnecessary conflict—verbal and otherwise.

It seems that he's rather dear to you, and the best thing—as you already know—is to have a one-on-one and express your feelings honestly. If he doesn't take it well, then you know the extent of that relationship you hold with him. Sever those ties and move on. Hopefully that's not the case!

[Ender]

I'm in this situation with my dad sometimes.

[Waterbagel]

did anyone else think this was going to be a thread related to They Might Be Giants?

[2020k]

My Dad's side of the family seems to be a bit racist at times. When I was younger, they used to say the N word around me just because they knew it'd get a rise out of me and spark a debate. Nowadays, most of them have realized what century we live in and have impressively attempted to broaden their horizons (especially since the majority of them now know I'm a homosexual) and thankfully aren't so serious about making race an issue anymore. However, there are still a handful of them who I love dearly but are so blindly ignorant. While sometimes I'll start up a conversation about it, I try my hardest to let it go.

With friends, it's a bit different. All of my friends are open minded and couldn't give a shit about ethnicity, sexual orientation, race, disabilities, etc, so if someone says something ignorant, it's usually tongue in cheek, but on the off-chance someone does say something with some true meaning behind it, they're given a look, asked "WTF", and the problem is dropped.

Basically, I've dealt with a lot of blatant ignorance from a lot of the people in my life, but no matter how heated the debate is, no one ever says my side of the story isn't flawed, so they understand their ignorance, just don't know what to do about it. It's so interesting.

No one is loud and obnoxious about it though. I'm sure if I brought a friend of a different race over to meet them, they'd shut up and treat him or her nicely.

There are many sides to a person. There are pros and cons with everybody. We all have faults. That's the way I try to look at things.

[Vexille]

There is no shortage of people here who are openly racist. The more rural you get in the south the more likely you are to encounter them.

[Quillian]

With friends, it's a bit different. All of my friends are open minded and couldn't give a shit about ethnicity, sexual orientation, race, disabilities, etc, so if someone says something ignorant, it's usually tongue in cheek, but on the off-chance someone does say something with some true meaning behind it, they're given a look, asked "WTF", and the problem is dropped.

My friends and I are the same. We don't take anything too seriously, ourselves included, so pretty much anything is fair game, because there's never anything malicious behind it.

Besides, we all come from the "self-depreciating humour" school of thought, so if one of us ever saya something that seems quite cruel about someone, it's almost guaranteed that they will follow it up with something a lot worse about themselves.

[Earthbound]

It's such a good thing that you stand up for your principles.
If he keeps on hurting your feelings like that and knowing that it hurts you seems to me like a sign that he sees your friendship differently compared to how you see your friendship.
It's not something that belongs in a friendship.
So it's pretty simple. He must stop this stupid behaviour or your friendship is over. Although it seems like an easy thing to say for me, but I think that is the bottom line.

An other thing I want to mention about racism is this.
I think these days it's not only white people discriminating. Black people discriminate too. This goes for muslim people, chinese people etc. It's just a thing that's in everybody's nature. Sometimes I get a bit frustrated when everybody points their fingers at white people. White people discriminate, and white people are, I think, sensitive for these accusations. White people are sensitive when it comes down to be called a racist, and overreact when they are called racists. At least that's what's going on in the Neds I think. What I'm trying to say (and I really don't say that is is the case here) is that calling people racists is an easy way to stop a discussion. Having a disagreement doens't mean that you are a racist. In the Neds white people are called racists too often when people are having a disagreement. I think that's not fair because we can call everybody rasists then.

[warphead]

I have a few racist mates, but I have know them since childhood. I doubt very much if I would make friends with them if I hadn't known them since nursery, but tbh it doesn't bother me that much. People are untilited to their opinions. I don't get all holier than thou with them, I just accept their veiws are different to mine. None of them inflict violence or verbal abuse so all in all I don't really care. I am just glad I don't hold such ignorant, narrow minded veiws as them.