Depression

Mexicola · Post by **Mexicola** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:45 pm

Excuse me for diverting slightly down a different tack. Wasn't going to post this, but the timing seems appropriate today. I know there aren't many football (soccer) fans on this board, but today we lost Gary Speed, a famous ex-pro footballer and the manager/head coach of the Wales national side. While we don't yet know why he chose to take his own life, we do know that he hanged himself at the age of 42. I've been in shock most of today, as have most people I know. Crucially, and this is the point I'm building to, it seems that there had been no outward signs that anything was wrong...

Yesterday, another famous ex-footballer - Stan Collymore - posted this absolutely fantastic blog from the depths of his own personal battle with depression. Intelligent, articulate and thoughtful, it shows a courage rarely seen by many in a profession that still shies away from 'feelings', often preferring the archaic approach of bury-head-in-sand that saw the likes of Justin Fashanu and Robert Enke go down that same horrific route.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that depression is something all of us have to take seriously, whether sufferers or family/friends of those in need of help. Thankfully things are changing and it's great that people can discuss their own experiences here. However, coming back to the death of Gary Speed again, I find it tragic, disappointing and - frankly - downright annoying that among the outpouring of grief tonight here in the UK, there are still some voices saying things like 'it's a coward's way out'. Gross ignorance and a frightening lack of empathy and understanding.

I, for one, hope I never find myself displaying such a disgraceful lack of compassion.

The Friendly Stranger · Mon Nov 28, 2011 9:35 pm

Devastated. Growing up playing football myself, I never idolised the big name players. For me it was about the leaders, the players who put in everything each game, players just like Gary Speed. You could tell that this translated to his personality off the pitch. He was basically the perfect role model as a kid growing up.

If there's a positive to come out of it, it's that this whole thing has left alot of people shaken and downright terrified, me included. More people are now aware of the reality of depression. If it can hit him, it can hit anyone.

hexagonLife · Post by **hexagonLife** » Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:11 pm

Mexicola wrote: a profession that still shies away from 'feelings'

QFT.

Mexicola wrote: there are still some voices saying things like 'it's a coward's way out'. Gross ignorance and a frightening lack of empathy and understanding.

The people who say that it's a cowards way out are fucking cowards. In my mind a lot of people don't want to believe in 'your' depression because they don't want to be vulnerable to it themselves. They think that they can just avoid thinking about it, or if they suffered from depression they would 'just be happy'.

The Friendly Stranger · Mon Nov 28, 2011 11:10 pm

hexagonLife wrote:In my mind a lot of people don't want to believe in 'your' depression because they don't want to be vulnerable to it themselves.

IanRedpoint · Post by **IanRedpoint** » Mon Nov 28, 2011 11:25 pm

Outstanding post Mexicola. Not much I can add to it beyond sharing your feelings on Gary Speed. I was quite shocked and numb at reading the news on Sunday.

I'm coming up to the 10th anniversary of a major depressive episode of my own (to which Geogaddi was the unwitting soundtrack) and when someone like Speed, who is the same age as me, passes like this it reminds me how fortunate I am to be here and how tenuous our grip on life is sometimes.

A_Northern_Soul · Post by **A_Northern_Soul** » Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:13 am

Great post Mexicola. I was really shocked by the news of Gary Speed. I'd watched Football Focus on Saturday and was thinking at the time how I hadn't seen him interviewed for ages and how good form he was in and well he looked (next to Gary McAllister!) - just goes to show how well hidden his problems must have been, and made me wonder how many others are carrying such problems, hiding them from the world.

Fortunately I've never had to deal with depression myself, but I know how tempting it is to hide problems away - I suffered a huge family bereavement a few years ago. It happened to coincide with a time of my life with a lot of positive change and being incredibly busy, so I don't think I allowed myself to grieve properly. Cue one spectacular meltdown several months later...

noshferatu · Post by **noshferatu** » Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:16 pm

Hi . I am new to this website but have been reading the forums for a few months now and thought its about time i made a post. I have had depression since i was about 13 (23 now) and i was just interested if anyone has ever experienced "Depersonalization" and there thoughts on it.

Cupz · Post by **Cupz** » Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:19 pm

noshferatu wrote:Hi . I am new to this website but have been reading the forums for a few months now and thought its about time i made a post. I have had depression since i was about 13 (23 now) and i was just interested if anyone has ever experienced "Depersonalization" and there thoughts on it.

Yeah, I've been in that boat, but probably not as intensive as you. Having an alter-ego helps for me.

Waterbagel · Post by **Waterbagel** » Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:33 pm

noshferatu wrote:Hi . I am new to this website but have been reading the forums for a few months now and thought its about time i made a post. I have had depression since i was about 13 (23 now) and i was just interested if anyone has ever experienced "Depersonalization" and there thoughts on it.

while i know it's much more prevalent in all things pertaining to psychology and such, it's everywhere.

being just a number, just a case, just a cog in the machine.

hexagonLife · Post by **hexagonLife** » Sat Dec 03, 2011 12:13 am

I called my Dad today and he told me that he'd had some bad news, that one of his best friends committed suicide today. It's so sad man, the guy had his problems but my dad and his circle of friends loved the guy dearly, he's pretty cut up about it but hiding it well.

This was totally out of the blue. The guy clearly felt he had no other option but I don't know if he realised how devastated his friends and brothers and parents would be, and of course his children and partner, I really want to stress that you should never ever commit suicide purely for the fact that people do care about you and love you even if you don't realise it.

Go to the Samaritans, go and see your family, if you've got noone else to talk to (or if you'd just feel better talking to someone you didn't know in real life) come on twoism or drop me a PM. Nothing, NOTHING is ever worth ending it.

fujee · Post by **fujee** » Sat Dec 03, 2011 12:55 am

Gary Speed was a stand up gent and his death was devastating. I really hope people can open up about their depression in the world of professional football. It obviously is a very isolating profession, especially post retirement.

Magrathea · Post by **Magrathea** » Mon Dec 12, 2011 2:39 pm

noshferatu wrote:Hi . I am new to this website but have been reading the forums for a few months now and thought its about time i made a post. I have had depression since i was about 13 (23 now) and i was just interested if anyone has ever experienced "Depersonalization" and there thoughts on it.

I went through "cognitive reprogramming" a few months back, it helped a lot with the anxiety and panic as well as hypochondria. Has it put Me out of depression, not yet but it's made it more bearable, no more crazy low spikes and the likes, it opens up brand new perspectives. This was short too, 7 months at one hour weekly for consultations and things to do daily.

Spenner · Post by **Spenner** » Mon Dec 12, 2011 5:33 pm

noshferatu wrote:Hi . I am new to this website but have been reading the forums for a few months now and thought its about time i made a post. I have had depression since i was about 13 (23 now) and i was just interested if anyone has ever experienced "Depersonalization" and there thoughts on it.

Hello and welcome to the site

I'm fairly fresh to the whole idea, but I became severely depressed about 4 years ago, and I was still in school and had to perform to my regular standard, but was so demotivated by the intense, intense anxiety and depression. You probably know that pretty well-- it's like a prison with a small slit you can see out of, depression, and you forget everything positive.

After about a year and a half of dealing with that agony (rarely did it ever let up...) my mind actually reverted to constructing a defense mechanism. What kind? Depersonalization. At first it started off fairly mild, just numbing my mind and making my imagination that much more vibrant... then it eventually became to the point where I forgot my body was here, and I was in another world (yet I could see everything around me-- it just didn't register to me as there. Everything appeared more like abstract shapes with no realistic meaning, and it made my imaginations overlay my vision).

So yeah, for me, depersonalization was a defense mechanism for my depression. I still have it to this day, as well as synesthesia. Together they make for great escapes from reality when times get hard, however when I'm severely depressed (not very often now, and not for long if I am) depersonalization is triggered of course, but it's like being lowered into ice water having already been out in the snow, prior. Everything real and unreal is against me in times like that.

Luckily I've experienced it enough in the past 4 years to know that these mental fabrications aren't real, and they do end within an hour or three hours (sometimes longer but rarely). I've never been to a shrink, but I've been planning on it. There's symptoms from a fair number of disorders that apply to me, because my perception is also very altered, yet I don't get many hallucinations one would have with schizophrenia (little ones here and there, but mainly it's just because I'm depersonalized)

ALSO I have a fukken short attention span now, I wrote all that without even realizing I'd been writing for more than 20 seconds hahaha x[

sevenELIXIR · Post by **sevenELIXIR** » Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:15 am

having been diagnosed with (severe) depression 14 years ago (29 now) I find one thing that always helps, even if it doesn't make me feel completely better, is a good comedy movie. I tend to like trailer park boys, that does it for me.

Jonse · Post by **Jonse** » Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:19 am

Similarly to sevenELIXER, in order to halt what would otherwise be life-threatening depression for me, I listen to stand-up comedy albums, specials and bootlegs constantly.

Jonse · Post by **Jonse** » Mon Dec 19, 2011 3:52 am

I'm feeling pretty terrible right now.

turquoise70 · Post by **turquoise70** » Mon Dec 19, 2011 4:57 am

yeah, me too. i feel like a joke. i feel like holing up in my bedroom and just pretending none of the past few years of my life have even happened.

Jonse · Post by **Jonse** » Mon Dec 19, 2011 5:27 am

I just am going through a period of my life where I'm trying to become more representative outwards of my inner self, something you probably relate to a whole bunch with what you've been going through.

I know it's going to help in the long run, but god, it takes a lot out of a person. It's exhausting, and it shouldn't be. I feel shitty about everything I say/do right now.

Waterbagel · Post by **Waterbagel** » Mon Dec 19, 2011 6:49 am

more young adults questioning their identity and trying to find themselves?
hey, sign me up!

but, i'm looking at it in a lighter.. maybe more pastel-y kind of light right now. i know i'll find me one day, and i'll find her too. and we'll share many christmases together, each one more memorable than the last, and our child(ren) will enjoy them when they decide to come along for this journey as well.

Twoism-ist · Post by **Twoism-ist** » Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:08 am

i just got done making an ass of myself to my friend over IM. why am i so fucking dependent? what the hell does it take to have self-motivation/self-confidence. what even is it to be a self.

i'm just glad this day is over so i can dream again