Depression

Jonse · Post by **Jonse** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:24 am

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore

Come on tell me
Make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself
Make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart

I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

Come on tell me
Make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself
Make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

Think I know what you meant
That night on my bed
Still picking at this scab
I wish you were dead
Your sweat and Perry Ellis
Just stains on my sheets

Magrathea · Post by **Magrathea** » Wed Feb 22, 2012 1:38 am

Life's better, I still have those moments of pure anguish... yes I have things piled on My shoulders, and a long history of family shit, not heavy as it goes by general standards, but still not a walk in the park either.

Been sick for 3+ weeks with flu/pneumonia I know it doesn't help, and just talked with My father, the old man isn't faring well... he has not for years but...

having to wake up in the morning to earn that living to feed the gf and two wonderful kids...

It's a heavy pile of shit and yet it doesn't drive Me into the ground...

But there are moments of anguish, panic, they last a few minutes, half an hour maybe and despite the tricks and relaxation and counselling I still have them...

I'm going to be 43 in a few days, does it ever end? The future never looked this gloomy with the economy and the fact that you reach a point in life where dreams turns to fantasy, you know you won't actually do it...

Not depression no, rather a "mal de vivre" that I can't quite shake, yeah it's winter, a shitty little-snow wimpy weather winter... I want cold, I want snow, I want a winter of old.

Yet growing old seems like a no fun deal... Any uplifting thoughts anyone? *s*

Cupz · Post by **Cupz** » Wed Feb 22, 2012 6:51 am

Magrathea wrote: Any uplifting thoughts anyone? *s*

If life goes to shit, then why not just do whatever you want? Why not follow your dreams?

And if your life is steady as a rock, then why not just do whatever you want? Why not follow your dreams?

And if you are insecure about your life, why not just do whatever you want? Why not follow your dreams?

And if *insert your specific life situation here*, why not just do whatever you want? Why not follow your dreams?

And I don't mean quit your job. Take your gf and kids and take them outside. Visit nature with them. Hug them. Love them. Play with them. Talk to them. Be creative with them. Be proud of yourself. Love yourself and everyone around you. Love life. Love and love first, then you love and love and love and love.

Cupz's Patented Ultra Secret Super Simple Five Steps To A Fullfilling Life:

Step 1: Love
Step 2: Love
Step 3: Love
Step 4: Love
Step 5: Repeat from step one.

You are a free human being. Take advantage of that RIGHT NOW.

Point is: Love. Its a verb for a reason.

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mechanismj · Post by **mechanismj** » Wed Feb 22, 2012 8:57 am

Great post, Cupz!

Julian Candy · Post by **Julian Candy** » Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:52 pm

I have a huge problem going through me right now. I don't expect anyone to be able to help me but I really just need to tell someone.

I have just recently been discharged from my post-hospitalization program (I never stayed full time at the hospital but I have come pretty damn close to), but while I was there I met a girl who I really feel made an extreme impression on me. She was a really kind person and really fun to be around, but the things she would say during group therapy sessions would always hit me hard. She seemed to have little support outside the program as opposed to some of the other people, and during my last couple days there she seemed to be going back into a depressed state. It wasn't until a few days after leaving that I started to really worry about her, I started to have huge fits of depression whenever I thought about her and sometimes had to leave the company of others to regain my composure before anyone could see it. I just can't stand the thought of her possibly on the brink of harming herself. I feel as though I'm discovering what true love really is, as I truly care about her and it's not just a desire. There are no romantic feelings (depending how you define "romantic") as she's a lesbian and I have given up on looking for a girlfriend and I see her more as a friend that is a girl.

I'm sure that when you say 'love' you mean 'need' or 'desire'. Nobody loves things anymore.
- The Monkees - "The Devil and Peter Tork"

As I said before, I don't expect any help but I just really, REALLY needed to tell someone.

Mexicola · Post by **Mexicola** » Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:20 pm

Julian Candy wrote:As I said before, I don't expect any help but I just really, REALLY needed to tell someone.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know I read your post with interest. Bizarrely, I don't usually check in on this thread, but tonight I did for some reason.

Hope you're ok man.

Cupz · Post by **Cupz** » Thu Apr 12, 2012 6:05 am

Mexicola wrote:
Julian Candy wrote:As I said before, I don't expect any help but I just really, REALLY needed to tell someone.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know I read your post with interest. Bizarrely, I don't usually check in on this thread, but tonight I did for some reason.

Hope you're ok man.

this. Hang in there, pray and keep talking to people.

Julian Candy · Post by **Julian Candy** » Thu Apr 12, 2012 8:14 am

Cupz wrote:
Mexicola wrote:
Julian Candy wrote:As I said before, I don't expect any help but I just really, REALLY needed to tell someone.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know I read your post with interest. Bizarrely, I don't usually check in on this thread, but tonight I did for some reason.

Hope you're ok man.
this. Hang in there, pray and keep talking to people.

Thanks, I'm planning on bringing this up with my therapist ASAP.

Pantheon · Post by **Pantheon** » Thu Apr 12, 2012 10:18 am

Julian Candy wrote:I have a huge problem going through me right now. I don't expect anyone to be able to help me but I really just need to tell someone.

I have just recently been discharged from my post-hospitalization program (I never stayed full time at the hospital but I have come pretty damn close to), but while I was there I met a girl who I really feel made an extreme impression on me. She was a really kind person and really fun to be around, but the things she would say during group therapy sessions would always hit me hard. She seemed to have little support outside the program as opposed to some of the other people, and during my last couple days there she seemed to be going back into a depressed state. It wasn't until a few days after leaving that I started to really worry about her, I started to have huge fits of depression whenever I thought about her and sometimes had to leave the company of others to regain my composure before anyone could see it. I just can't stand the thought of her possibly on the brink of harming herself. I feel as though I'm discovering what true love really is, as I truly care about her and it's not just a desire. There are no romantic feelings (depending how you define "romantic") as she's a lesbian and I have given up on looking for a girlfriend and I see her more as a friend that is a girl.

I'm sure that when you say 'love' you mean 'need' or 'desire'. Nobody loves things anymore.
- The Monkees - "The Devil and Peter Tork"
As I said before, I don't expect any help but I just really, REALLY needed to tell someone.

Thanks for sharing JC, I realy feel for you there buddy. It seems like you realy enjoy her company, can you go back and visit her or anything like that? Perhaps you both would be able to provide good support for each other. Hang in there bro.

Jonse · Post by **Jonse** » Thu Apr 19, 2012 1:15 pm

Yesterday I actually had a GOOD day for the first time in a long time. It was a nice break from all the depressing and anxiety causing shit.

Julian Candy · Post by **Julian Candy** » Fri Apr 20, 2012 5:18 am

Pantheon wrote: Thanks for sharing JC, I realy feel for you there buddy. It seems like you realy enjoy her company, can you go back and visit her or anything like that? Perhaps you both would be able to provide good support for each other. Hang in there bro.

Sadly not for another 6 months.

adelinyenmah · Post by **adelinyenmah** » Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:10 pm

747Music · Post by **747Music** » Thu Apr 26, 2012 10:17 pm

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So I don't have a heck of a lot of money as I'm on disability. So I spend very strategically. I moved in with my folks a year ago and was able to save up some money because I didn't have to buy groceries. I'm off on my own now and my funds are very low. While I was at my parents house I saved up and saved up and got an awesome video card for my computer: The $360, Nvidia GTX 570. I was so happy with my purchase thinking it'll last a long time. Well it just bit the dust today. 1 month after the warranty expired. So I'm here posting on my computer with a friends spare video card, the ATI 4350. The piece of crap's piece of crap. Just as I was getting into Skyrim's awesome graphics mods. Figures. Looks like it's strictly console gaming from here on out.

I know, there are bigger problems out there. Heck I've got bigger problems to post about myself. But it just sucks having something that you saved up a long time for suddenly break.

SampleScience · Post by **SampleScience** » Mon May 14, 2012 3:02 am

747Music wrote:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So I don't have a heck of a lot of money as I'm on disability. So I spend very strategically. I moved in with my folks a year ago and was able to save up some money because I didn't have to buy groceries. I'm off on my own now and my funds are very low. While I was at my parents house I saved up and saved up and got an awesome video card for my computer: The $360, Nvidia GTX 570. I was so happy with my purchase thinking it'll last a long time. Well it just bit the dust today. 1 month after the warranty expired. So I'm here posting on my computer with a friends spare video card, the ATI 4350. The piece of crap's piece of crap. Just as I was getting into Skyrim's awesome graphics mods. Figures. Looks like it's strictly console gaming from here on out.

I know, there are bigger problems out there. Heck I've got bigger problems to post about myself. But it just sucks having something that you saved up a long time for suddenly break.

Especialy when you're poor! Personnally, I can just afford the cheap of the cheap, & when I've got good gear, it's because I've found "no-brainer" deals at flea market or pawn chops that don't knows the true values of what they are selling!

Magrathea · Post by **Magrathea** » Mon May 14, 2012 3:43 am

I have had a rough 2 weeks... I have hypocondria, I know it's not something that registers high on the list of mental diseases, but goddamn it's debilitating, I live like a stroboscope switching from "hey life's grand" to "omfg cancer, heart, death!" several times over the course of an hour.

I lost My father 6 weeks ago, so I know it's a contributing factor that makes this which I had under control flare up... I am so fucking tired of being in pain, physical pain, which is all mind-induced... I am healthy, all's good and yet... the mind feels sick, I feel sick, I feel as if I'm dying...

Remember that catchphrase in the matrix? "if you die in the matrix you die here?" that's exactly how it feels... it's not strong enough to have pills (I wouldn't take them anyways, don't trust either docs or meds) but damn...

I'm 43... I know this is just BS...

Why am I falling for it all over again... I am soooooo tired of this shit...

Anyone know of a successful way to handle this?

turquoise70 · Post by **turquoise70** » Tue May 15, 2012 5:34 pm

Honestly? Doctors and meds. I know you don't trust them, so you aren't gonna go with that option, but... that's how you deal with debilitating mindwarping issues you can't deal with on your own. It took me -years- to admit that I needed medication to deal with depression, so I know how it feels not to want to go that route. But it's worked for me.

Julian Candy · Post by **Julian Candy** » Tue May 15, 2012 5:58 pm

Back to feeling useless, unattractive, etc. Seriously contemplating suicide again.

-typed from school

powershoes · Post by **powershoes** » Tue May 15, 2012 7:36 pm

Julian Candy wrote:suicide

being sad is okay. leaving the planet by your own hands is not okay.

the world is a big place with many possibilities. someone will love you very much someday.

fujee · Post by **fujee** » Tue May 15, 2012 8:03 pm

Julian, I know I don't know you personally but I really hope you feel better by the time you read this. You are incredibly valuable, each and every human is. I don't want to sound preachy, but life is a gift - I really hope you iron out your difficulties. People definitely value you, don't ever think you are useless or unattractive. You and everyone of us is talented and intelligent, with a valuable and worthy opinion.

I genuinely hope things are better when you read this. I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say the Twoism community is here to help anytime.

All the best mate

fujee · Post by **fujee** » Tue May 15, 2012 8:14 pm

Magrathea wrote:Any uplifting thoughts anyone? *s*

Just wanted to post this in here, this guy is pretty uplifting and inspirational.