LGBT BoCers

[LightI3ulb]

Hi, I'm Joe.

I guess I've known I'm gay for 12 years now, and sort of just ignored it. In fact, looking back on it, I really avoided relationships for years because of it. My first real relationship was with a woman, I was 24. By this time I had accepted that I was "bi", still telling myself that I enjoy both men and women 50/50. For the first year it was a "great" relationship, but after a while the doubt of it gnawed at me constantly. I eventually broke it off, not because I thought I was gay, but because it was a codependent relationship, and I couldn't handle juggling the emotions anymore (more reasons ahead).

So after a couple of months of thought, I decided that I have to explore the entirety of my emotions. If I don't, I'll never be happy. So I signed up for Okcupid, and much to my chagrin it was less than two weeks before I met someone. Mind you, I'm talking about people interested in a genuine relationship, one night stands really don't do it for me.

It's amazing.

I couldn't stop grinning on our first date. The sheer emotion of it was overwhelming me. The release of it all was making it genuinely hard to think. He's a great guy, he has his feet on the ground and know's what he's doing. Sadly, we don't really relate on a lot of things, but I enjoy spending time with him.

So now there can be no doubt in my mind, I'm gay, and I'm scared to death.

Even more than before, the thought that this really is what will make me happy. As the person that I am, I cannot deny this to myself. I've spent at least the past 10 years in hypocrisy. I like to think I'm a pretty worldly person, and I like to give advice. I always tell everyone that they have to give into the truth of things, all the while I was just denying the truth of my own situation. It was fear before, but not like this.

I'm going to have to tell my family. Oh shit.

My mother is devout Roman Catholic. Went through Catholic school, brought my sisters and I up Catholic. She wasn't happy when I left the church at 16. She's actually quite accepting of things, and of all people in the world, I am most like her. But of course the one thing she always has to make ignorant comments about is homosexuality.

My father on the other hand was born and raised in Afghanistan, and is devout Muslim. This man is made of fucking wrought iron. He has literally come so close to death that his parents had resigned him to his fate, and laid him down at the cemetery grounds in a funeral cloth while he was still alive. That was before his father died at 8 and his mother at 14. His two brothers and three sisters raised him. He got through school, graduated first in his class on a Masters in Chemistry and Botany. He eventually moved to the US when he was 27. Met my mom; bam, 3 kids.

In the early years of my life, I couldn't stand him. He was a complete and utter asshole. Absolutely stubborn, unaccepting, and unwilling to compromise in his whatever it was he felt that something should be. But, for however emotionally unavailable and angry he was, he still loved us and gave his life away to feed us. He moved away for months or years at a time to find work and put food on our table. We were dirt poor. I went to 6 different grade schools. Now, he has a nice and cushy job working a desk job for Snapple.

So now we come to the crux of the problem.

In 2008, my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He had chosen to not tell us about it until the day of the surgery. They took out a tumor the size of a golf ball, and began a BCG wash treatment. Essentially, think localized chemotherapy fed through a catheter into your bladder. It was hell for him, but it thankfully worked. For some time, at least. In one of his routine checkups earlier this year, they found that the cancer was back.

This time it would be serious, they were going to have to remove his bladder, prostate, and urethra, and create a urostomy with part of his intestine. At the time, we had invested hope that the cancer had not become metastatic, and that removing the bladder would end the problem once and for all. When the surgery had been completed, the doctor came down and informed us that they had found that the lymph nodes around the bladder and shown signs of being cancerous, and that it had most likely entered his lymphatic system. He is currently going through his rounds of chemotherapy. I moved in with my parents in June to help out around the house, and to take the opportunity to finish school.

For all of the hell that it's been, good has come of it. My father has become more human. He smiles now, he laughs. When he's alone in his workshop, I can hear him singing sometimes. Gone is the stiff ass man who only ever scowled. The man who didn't talk to me for a month after I told him to shut up once when I was 16. Finally, I can bond with him.

With so little fucking time left.

All I want to do now is make him proud. I want to finally finish school, get my degree in Bio, and get a job in conservation or something. Something I know will make him happy.

But god damnit, I'm going to have to tell him I'm gay.

I can't even fathom the response. I'm so goddamn scared, and I don't want to ruin things now. It's tearing at me, and I have no idea what to do.

[s7409651]

Hi Joe!
You express yourself so well, and I don't think you need to be scared to death. Only you can know how to deal with telling your family, or when.. and no advice from others will really help - just perhaps knowing that you aren't alone and that you have perhaps faced the most difficult part - which is coming to terms with yourself.
I think you'll find plenty of support on this awesome forum. Best wishes from my side

[Mexicola]

UN 'legalises' gay execution. Well this one sneeked under the radar didn't it? Scary.

[Waterbagel]

UN 'legalises' gay execution. Well this one sneeked under the radar didn't it? Scary.

that.. is definitely scary.
i just can't imagine how that hasn't been all over the collective media.

[rick7487]

To Joe, I haven't told my dad that I'm gay either. I've thought about it, but I don't know how to go about it. What has been important though is visiting with him and helping him out on the farm. I think spending time with him is the most important thing.

[hexagonLife]

Hey Joe,

That is a pretty incredible post as posts go. Realising you're gay, especially when you're a little older, is definitely difficult but it sounds like you've got a kitchen sink of problems Even though it's hard to advise you in your own situation, my heart really goes out to you and your dad, man. I hope that it works out. Let us know how it goes

Take care man

Jamie

[s7409651]

Let's try a little tenderness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cxrGpWwk0o

Saw this today and think it's one of the most lovely tender 'love scenes' I've ever seen. The singin may put you off but it adds for me, I want to sing like him !

[2020k]

Thanks for bumping this thread! I've been debating on starting one like it since I joined the forum, so it makes me extremely happy that Twoismers were one step ahead of me and look like the accepting type! As for me? 21, gay, came out to all of my friends when I was 15. Came out to my mom at 16 and the rest of my family when I was in an unhealthy relationship at 19. My father hasn't been told formally, but I'd like to think he's smart enough to know. I'd really like to come out to him before I turn 22.

Joe, your story almost had me in tears. I want to reach through the internet and give you a big hug. Good luck finding the strength to tell him. I feel so hypocritical saying "no matter the outcome, it will feel much better when you tell him", because I haven't told my Dad yet, but it's the truth.

AND THAT YOUTUBE VIDEO? I'm in love!

[s7409651]

Nice to know, seems this thread pops up for those who need it
Coming out is hardest I think to do with strong male figures in one's life. Brothers, best friends, especially fathers. Wishing the best to you all!

[Seeya_Later]

I'm definitely straight. Although I'm not the least bit homophobic.
My favorite band Erasure is pretty much a gay icon. Most of the music I listen to has gay connontations.
However, I know I'm straight because I've never been attracted to guys ever. When I think about a girl I like then suddenly music sounds better, suddenly the night air smells sweeter, suddenly I envision all the places I'd love to live with her, my musical inspiration flows, her image empowers me, I want to be where she is, the thought of being with her forever makes everything okay. And is that not what love is? I've never felt that way about a guy, so I've definitely got my personal orientation figured out.
Like I said, I'm really not homophobic, in fact I like hanging around with gay guys. A lot of them share my humor, style, and taste. And I feel more comfortable hanging out with them than some straight guys. I think it's because a straight guys hardly ever clarify that, and so there's an awkwardness wondering what their orientation is. However gay folk are more often clear, and as long as they are clear that I'm straight then I'm comfortable and ready to hang out and party all night long. You get me?
This is coming from someone who is very conservative too.

[Guido]

Most of the music I listen to has gay connontations.

Judging from this thread, the percentage of openly LGB active users on this forum seems to be above average compared to the general population, so BoC could be considered a band with implicit gay connotations as well.

[2020k]

Just watched Les chansons d'amour on Netflix Instant and loved every single second of it. Downloaded the soundtrack right after. Thanks again for that link, s7409651.

[machinea]

Roll call here.. Yep.

I think I first began to have an inclination when I was in middle school but 12-14 is such a confusing age anyway I was able to push it aside because I didn't know what being gay felt like or was supposed to feel like. I thought I felt like me, which I could only assume is what others felt like too. But I also noticed the many ways I was significantly different from girls around me.

When I was at the end of my freshman year of high school I had my first actual thought "I think I might be gay" and shortly after that I fell in love for the first time. It was a significant relationship and a heartbreaking one that took me a very long time to get over. Probably until I was 22. Those 7 years were like digging through the tunnel at Shawshank. I didn't officially come out to others until I was about 18 and my family I told here and there when I was about to leave for college.

It was a long road in many ways. I was grateful that they dealt with their feelings about it without me having to be apart of it because I had enough of my own stuff to go through with it. What did it mean for me, for my life, for who I was, how did this affect my relationship with my own soul and God. Even though I'm not a devout anything I'm a believer and so I felt I needed to consider these questions. Fortunately I went to school in Santa Cruz CA an extremely queer positive place. And I mean queer in every sense of the word, gender fuck everywhere, which is great, people should be whatever it is they are on that continuum.

Back then there was no internet, no real online communities, just others that one met along the way. Fortunately most of my professors were gay. Every quarter 2 out of 3 on average were gay. I no longer had to feel like a minority at least not there and it was something that would have to stay me for the rest of my life as I've moved about quite a lot.

These days I'm extremely comfortable with myself and my queerness. I'm a lesbian who'd rather watch gay or straight porn over lesbian porn. I totally get the poster who said he can't stand to see guys in porn. I have another straight guy friend like that. I feel quite the opposite. I hate lesbians with guitars.. I can't stand the indigo girls or melissa ethridge. I've always been a synth lover and have always liked electronic music in most of its forms. I haven't found that I have that much in common with other lesbians especially not the older ones. If I wanna dress like a girl I do if I wanna butch it up I do. I love BoC and Aphex Twin and Kraftwerk and the list goes on. I can do some folk music here and there like Tim Buckley or roy harper but it isn't my thing most of the time. I just keep trying to expand my palette.

[mistercat]

I made a pretty picture for you all;

it's a bisexual duck and his lesbian fish-friend Mrs. Fish

[machinea]

I made a pretty picture for you all;

it's a bisexual duck and his lesbian fish-friend Mrs. Fish

Where is Mrs. Fish's Wife?

[Numerator]

I am gay
I came out earlier this year
everyone was super cool about it

[Jonse]

Not gay, thought of having sex with another man makes me want to vomit personally, but I am highly supportive of LBGT rights and wish for a world where people who come out are not seen as strange among the general public. It's nice that it's been going pretty heavily in that direction over the years.

[Synthestesia]

I'm lesbian

[s7409651]

I am gay
I came out earlier this year
everyone was super cool about it

!!! SO glad for you

[turquoise70]

Update: I put the T in LGBT