InsomniacDMG wrote:I've listened to BoC for about four months now and began with Geogaddi. Since my first listen through the smallest weird number always struck an oddly deep chord with me. It wasn't until recently when sitting through a listen and the song began to play that I found myself in tears. I'm an emotionally controlled and rational man, I cannot recall the last time I've cried prior to this and most would go as far as to say that I seem rather devoid of emotion so this sudden tearing was far from expected. Something about the track simply tapped something inside of me that brought forth the most alien, un-describable, overwhelming emotions of confusion, loneliness and a bleakness that I cannot compare with anything else I've ever felt in my life. It almost pains me now to listen to the track, whenever I listen through now and I don't realize the song is coming and then I hear it begins I feel a sudden rush of this alien, bleak, confusion/sorrow that frightens me and forces myself to change the track. I think I'd give myself brain damage to listen to the track on my lonesome in the dark now. I cannot explain it any-more then I have and I am not exagerating in the least bit. Anyone else feel similar though I'm sure more mild things when listening to this song?
Oh man... I know what you mean. This song does that to me too. Maybe not for all the same reasons, but I know what you're getting at.
For me, it's almost like a vision of the future that I'm experiencing as nostalgia. Some kind of look back from a final moment, telling me that no matter what happens between now and then, everything is already tainted.
I will admit, I have seriously considered suicide more than once. I'm feeling a lot better these days, but The Smallest Weird Number reminds me of what used to go through my mind - reminds me that even now, my reasons would not be unjustified. I'm still a nihilistic wreck inside, and I don't even see it as a problem. I purposely read about serial killers and watch videos of terrorist extremism, murder, and suicide, and I feel nothing but a morbid fascination. I wonder how human I really am sometimes. But I can't seem to find any other way to see things.
We're all just meat. Knowledge, emotion, meaning, purpose - none of it matters when your brain stops living, and you are reduced to the bones and meat of a dead body.
I know exactly what this songs reminds me of - I am going to die. The bittersweet nostalgia in this one minute of music is all it takes to remind me that all this time I spend, and all I think, feel, and do, will be nothing but a brief interlude in between the times that I did not and will not exist.
I think that perhaps the only reason I go on is that I hold some vain hope that I'm working toward an unseen continuation. That whatever wisdom and knowledge I gain might not ultimately go to waste. That maybe everything I believe is false.
